By Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Often it is the person closest to the abused individual that becomes vocal about the existence of an abusive relationship. This may be mother, father, sister, brother or best friend. What becomes most difficult for these bystanders is helping their loved one acknowledge the abuse as they see it.

How do you help your son, brother or friend awaken to their abusive relationship? Over the years in working with families, I’m aware that their very efforts to accomplish this mission often backfire and at best do nothing.

The following five things are most frequently done and are the top 5 things to actually avoid:

1) Don’t tell him that he must leave the abusive partner (unless his life is in eminent, immediate danger), as this can ignite a parent-child power struggle. Rather guide him to tell himself that leaving is a must when there is domestic violence in one’s relationship. Trust that he is in the best position to know if and when to leave the relationship.

2) Don’t tell him that you know he has the “right” answers. The abused person is conditioned to believe they have no answers and if they stumbled upon one, it’s probably not correct anyway. Instead, help him find his own answers. Help him hear his own inner voice.

3) Don’t assume he won’t know how you really feel about what he is doing by his being in an abusive relationship. He can’t read your thoughts, but he can read the emotional counterpart of your thinking. He’s an expert at that. It’s one of his survival mechanisms at home. Further, he will seek to regulate your thoughts—another survival mechanism he has perfected.

4)  Don’t focus exclusively on the push, the punch or some equivalent or greater physical assault he received. While this is extremely important, it is not the point of focus from which his most compelling and action-inspiring reflection occurs. Rather focus on the subtle signs of his abusive relationship.

5)  Don’t confront his partner while she has access to your son. Any cavalier efforts on you part may indeed inflame matters in your absence. Confrontations like this more often that not result in an escalation in intimate partner violence.

If you need help assisting your son or brother in awakening to the circumstances of abuse as you perceive or suspect, seek professional guidance before attempting any of the methods described above. This will insure your moving things in the direction you believe to be in the interest of your loved one.

For insights into the dynamics of abusive relationships, claim your free Abusive Relationships: Survival and Healing Secrets. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals and families, internationally, to recognize and end domestic abuse before it spirals out of control.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 9th, 2008 at 5:18 am and is filed under Abuse Insights. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.